Eternity 2Gethr the Forbidden Luv of Edwurd Cuelen
by shaddowdance420lol
Summary: It goez placis u neavr expektid!1!
1. Chapter 1

Oh hai my name is Vikrum Alana Scarlett Maria VAMPYRYR O'Hara and I live in Forks, Wershingtern. I am in 7th grade an d I go 2 Forks Hi Skule were I am studying to be an EDNOCRMINOLOGIST. I am vry short an thin enuf to be anorexic and I have brown hair well I did but now its Black like my soul is. I just moved here from Fargo, North Dakkkoter b/c my mom fell in love wit Wayne Gretzky and had 2 move 2 Kanada and since I go to high school in America the prime minister Justin Theroux (who iz a MAJOR HOTTIE) sed I would go back to Kintergarden if I was gonna move 2 Canader bkuz George W Bush made all the skools STUPID becuzx of No Child Leaft Behind. So now I live with my dad Rick who izx an mathmetician 4 the police department. He wants me 2 bcum a mafmetrician too but I dont want 2 because I mean come on who wants 2 look numbaz all day peeps that shit is srsly lame, I used to lik it until my evil math teach MS. AFROGATTO totally called me out and gave me detenshion and now guess what math is stupid because anything that such a major evil BETCH liks mst b some major fucking bullshit.

So nywy since my dad is always tryin to make me be a mathmertmaid I decided to become rawr. Rawr mean in dinosaur lol but its also a lifstyle and shit. Basically me and my friends ar like goths but were SUPA POSI about It, so were really not like goffs at all who cut their rists and wear all blak. My favorite colours (I write it lik dat now b/c my mom is Canadain, geddit) are PURPLE and NEON and LEPPARD PRINT. They;re colors that show how EXUIBERHANT me and my frends are because come on were all sad enuf with all the rain and shit that happenz in Foirks (did u see the movies? Its raining here all the tim!)\ Its like Drake said YOLO which meanz "U Only Liv Onetime".

Well anyways when it was my frist day of skool I leave the house on my razr scooter even though its raining b/c my scooter is STATE OF TH ART and has ROCKET POWERS (wooggidy wooggidy) that melt all the rain. A lot of people are so jealouse of my scotter but i'm the only one that can really ride it becuz the scoote r was designed by Pete Wentz and he sed "OLNY THE MOST RAWR PERSON IN THE WROLDDDDD CAN RIDE MY SCOOTER even the other guys in Fall Out Boy were'bt able to ride it cuzx they're not a sexxxxy as Pete! But as it says on my mpsace "B the Sun U Want 2 B in the World" which is a quote from Ringo Starr and he'd no about being bright becase jesus fucking christ his name is Starr for fucking fuck's sake!

So my scooter went 100 mph from th e outskirts of Forks to the school and totally knocked over that SUCK-UP prep Marelle and she sang out "OwwwwWWWWwwwwWWW!" and all of the crows pooped on her because come on man oyu don't have to sing every fucking thing you think and feel, everybody knows you can sing why dont you try and live ur life 1nce in a while. All the kidz gave me a standing ovation and as I went 2 my bilolology klass there wuz a relly smexy and pale guy staring at me! He looked like he wuz gonna vom and shit and also poop and shit i've never had that effect on ppl b4! He looked sorta goff b/c he was sooo pale and obviously frowning because yeah, i'd frown too if I was pooping my pants in front of everrybody. It was supa embarrassing. I felt supa bad 4 him. I sit next 2 him and he didn't stop! HE just kept givin me the poopy look! I trid to foucs on the lesson but it was rlly hard even tho i'm like the smartest student in North Dakoter even tho DUBYA KEEPS CUTTIN THE EDUCATING FUNDING;. I was really happy whe n Edwurd (I didn't know that wuz his name yet but I think we al know who i'm talking about here ) got up in the middle of the class and ran away yelling "I'M A VAMPIR! IIIIII'M A VAMPIERE!" through the halways.

I wuzx rel confused and kinda scured. I was woried that since I wuz so POSI and RAWR that I would make everybudy in Forks really worryied that they were secretly deprezzed and shit b/c like I said come on, it's so gross up here with all the rain an d shit. But then Mike Newtown come up to me and was all, "Hey Vikrum, don't worry about Edwerd. His whole family think they're vampires. The don't ever shut up about it. They're obviously not campires because they don't half fangz and cant turn into batz."

"What a releaf," I said

" Yah, I know," Mike Newtun says. "So I noticd ur leopard print purople stripped hoodie. It's real radd- and yr bangs are so long n strait. Do u lik BROKENCYDE?"

I smild. Things were gonna b ok.


	2. Chapter 2

Chp. 2 – AMERikan Gangtuh

Wen science waz over I went 2 the caf nd sat with Mike Newtown an his frends Angela nd Anna Kendrick. They were kinda kool, but unlik Mike Newton n me they were totes prepz. I don't' h8 prepz I mean say wut u will but at least theyr wearing bright colours and tryin to had a posi mental state even if I don't like wearing arrowpostal and that they spend all there time at the MALl. I mean, they cud be out in the streetz smoking crak or freebasing meth or whatevs!

Nywy so we wuz in the lunch food line an waitin to get the soup of tha day, whixh wuz lentil sup with a side of bread. "I h8 lentil soop," Anna Kendrick said. "It, like, mess wif, like, my hair, like, or something" (Kendrick Lamar waz not 2 good with her werds bcuz she never opened her texrtbooks and studied because all she cares aboot is hawt guyz, which I can appreciate and everything, but cum on gurl aint no boi worth his salt n' pepa wanna date a dum dum.)

Den the lunchlady, or shuld I say LUCHMAN, look at us wif a menacing 'y r u so stoopid" look on his face underneath his goatie n' fire hare. "YOU FOOLHEARTY DUMASSES! DON'T U REALIZ THIS SOOP IS…. GANGSTER?" It wuz…. GUY FIERI!

"UM NO," Ana Kendrick Lamar wuz saying. "Wat kid likes soup? And It haz sooooo much gluetin in it! I CUD DIE (I rolled my eyes cuz shesh lewish I new this gurl for like 10 minutes and I alredy new she wuz a total drama kween. )

"Well maybe DIE U SHALL!" Guy Feri screemed and den….. he shot FIRE OUTA HIS HED! Anana Kenrick caught on FIR and ran around the caf like 25 TIMS and den went out da hallway an EXPLDODED! Everybud yelled and den GUY FEIRI looked at mi and wass all "u think dis is ovur, Vikrum? IT HAS ONLY JUS BEGUN!" and den he laffed manically and ran away and his MUSCLE CAR flew in2 the sky. It was so weird. Angela was cryin and all and lots of teens wer really confused and Dr. McIntyre, the principle, came in and sed" Hello klass, hello stuDENTZ, if u want 2 go home bcuz Anna did dats ok, but we gonna keep the skul open bcuz the choice, as always, is up 2 u." I luked at Mike Newtown and he shrugged "Well, dats what happenz wen u complain I guess."

"But Mik," I sed, "Wasn't she ur girlfriend?"

"WUZZZZZZZZZ," he sed and told me the whole story and it was rel komplikated but basikly it turns out that anna Kendrick ws related to Bobby Flay and Guy Fieri did'nt lik that and so he had 2 kill her. "I tolled hur to stop watchin so much Beet Bobbi Fleigh, but she didn't listen. So, if u think about it, she really did it 2 herself."

I nodded sagely. But I was kinda confused curz Guy sed it only JUS BEGUN. I wonder wut I had 2 do with any of dis?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - CArlizzul

I took my POSI SCOOTER home asap. I wuz worried about Guy Feri and his ominous werds, nd I needed answers. I new that Guy Fieri wuz always on the run, so it wuld be hard to find him, especially since his MUSSEL CAR culd fly. He cud be nywhere!

"Hi dad" I sed as I threw my knapsack on the couch. Don get mi rong, I lik my dad. We're rel similar and get along pretty well, curz he stays out of my bizniss and I do the same for his. Well, most of the tim. I needed to use his DATABASE to figure out where Guy Feiri could be, b4 he could kill me, or my dad, or the other kids at the skool.

"Oh hey Vikrum do u wanna get sum donuts?" He sed absentmindedly.

"Jeez dad culd u BEEEEEE anymore stereotypical?" I asked retwhoreicully. "I'm 2 busy 4 donuts."

"But u luv donuts, ur always lik 'donuts go nuts" and whatever"

"OMG DAD CUT IT OUTTTTT" I luv dad but honestly he can b so lame sumtimes, u know what I'm talking about.

"Anyway what r u up 2? Are y going to talk all nite on da fone wif ur homies?" OMG he wuz so lame, and I told him dat nobody sez homies anymore, cum on its 2009, were not so insensitive 2 race ishues as we wer in the 6ds wen he wuz a kid. "Well, dats 2 bad. I knead to go bak 2 work. Seems like dere was a murder at the skool and I need to be there to draw the chalk line. There's microwaved pizza in the frige 4 u." And then he ran away and I had the haus al to myself and I was like "kewl" cuz I new I cud sneak down in2 the databass.

My dad kept the databass in the bassment opf our house cuz I mean come on bass and bass, where else wud u put it? They culdnt keep it at the police stashion becuz that wud be 2 obvious for the Russians in case they wnted to go and steal sum data. There wuz a BASSwurd(lol like PASSward geddit) on the d00r 2 get in. I typed in "042069" b/c thar wuz my dad's berfdaii and 2 my surprise the door opened! I waltzd down the narrow stairz until I got 2 where the boiler was,s then I lokked left and…..THERE WUZ SUM1 AT THE COMPY! He was real pale and his hair looked really white but also like it had wayyyy 2 much gel in it, kinda like if The Situashion wuz Albino. It wuz… CARLIZZILE!

'Hell0o0o0o Vikrum," he sed in his sexy n meloudiuous voice. "I had a felling u wud be down here."  
"WELL NO SHIT CUZ THIS IS MY HOUSE CARLIZZLE WAT R U DOIN IN MY HAU PEDO OR SUMTHIN" I said quietly.

"haAaAaAaAaAa, h0oho0oho0oh0o0oh0o0" he sed sinisterly. "Nah b, altho I'm like 1,000,000,000 years old so if u think about it since I turned mai waif (he sed it lik Borat cuz he thought he wuz funni but he so wasn't that movie is mad old) in like 1937 she'z only lik 75 so if u think about it I'm totally a pedo. But ANYWAIII-"

"Stop it!" I sed angrily. "Enuf jokes. Tel me why ur in my bassment1"

"All in do time," he sed, and he got outta the chair he was sittin in looking at the databass. "But first lemme ask u: y don't u think I'ma vampire?"

"Dats easi, vampyres aren't real ya turd" I sed fake-stoopidly.

"Aw contrare," he chucked. "Vampirs are mad real, son! And my son is a mad real vampire, dig? And u hurt his feelings relly bad when u and that NEWWWWWTOWWWN kid says he just made emo."

I lol'd at dis. "So wat? If he's really a vampire wut duz he care if we mak fun of him? Cudnt he just eat us all?

"HE CUD!" Carlizzle sed in an omnibus voice. "He cud, and I cud, and so cud Ezmay n Rosally an Admit nd Alica an that other one 2. But we WONT."

"Wha?" I was so confused! "I'm so confused!"  
Carlizzile came over 2 me and put his cold-ass hand on my shoulder. "We cud kill anybody we wanted, xcept wearwolfs but that wob't cum up till tha next book. You don't understand, Vikrum. We vampirs can live anywear we want 2. Do u thnk we lik livin in siuch a lame place? Its always rainin and there's no mall for lik 80 miles! U think I wuldn't rather live in a cool place lik Istanbul? Nah b, we liv in Forks cause were protektin all of u."

"From wat?" I said.

"Frum a great evil dat u culd nevar understand in ur wildest dreams, Vikrum," Carlizzle sed. "U need to keep iur secret so dat they don't realiz what were doin hear!"

"I don't understand!" I sed again.

"G00d!" He sed.

"If u don't tel me what yr protectin us againat then I'll tell everybody around hear that ur all vampires!"

"Won't work, n00b!" Carlizle said and laffed maniacly. "Everybody thinks were mad pozerz fangs (geddit) 2 Eduard bein so emo!" And in my hed I wass like 'aw shit' cuz I knew It was true.

"Until we meet again, Vikurm," Carlizzle said, jumpin up and runnin up the stairs b4 he turned bak n said "Carlizzle, my shizzle!" and den he ran away.

I wuz still so confused, guys.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapta Fo – Da F1st Batul

The next day at skool I wuz doin my thang hanging wif my frends in the SOUTH commons wen I saw a big pak of prepz from the NORTH commons walkin right in2 the SOUTH Commmins! All the freakz that hang out in the SOUTH commons immeditately got tense an took out there veryious weppons (everybudi in the SOUTH commons has wepins b/c their all punks and goffs and so on) and I thot theyre wuz going 2 be a BIG OL' BRALL.

"Keep cloze 2 me, Vikrum" Mike Newtown sed quietly as he held on2 his numchucks. "The last tim the prepz came in2 the SOUTH COOMMNS fivty-seven ppl died."

Sudnely I culd c the faces iof the prepz comin from the NORT HCOMMNS. I didn't have ny probelmz with prepz philosoficlly, but frum the moment I saw dere pail white skin and weird eyes and shit I new I had MAJOR BEEF wif dem. They werent' frum the NORTH COMMINS at all! They weren't commin in any way. They were….the CULLINS!1111!111!11!

Each of dem was VERY NOT POSI in there own wai. Obviusly Edwurd wuz relly emo an inly wore BLAK n GREY. Imitt had on six Aburcrombii n Bitch polo shirts wif ALL THE COLLARS pooped. Alicia wore al this native American-style jewelry so she wuz committin major CULTRAL APPROPRPRITATION nd basically looked like she bagned sum1 the mud at Cochella. Rosalie wuz in a SEXY PANTSUIT which was al she ever wur because she was the president of the model UN so she always dressing like a LAWYER. The onther guy was a freaking confederate solder, for god's sake! Also he still had frozen tips. IN 2009!

"We, like, herd, like, you talked, like, 2 carlizzile last nite," Rosally sed in her freakin' valley gurl voice. "U cant let ny1 know our secret, Vikmrum."

Everybudy look at me. I shrugged my shoulders. "I haven't told anybody. If u had just sed nothin nobody would have wondered but now u did so now everybody in the SOUTH COMMONS is wonderin what ur secret is, dummy!"

"We need 2 kill hr, bro!" Imitt sed nd kraked his knukles.

"Wait no!" Edwurd sed. "There's a better salutin!"

But it wuz to no avale. The rest of the Cullins lunged at the punks and they lunged at them! I culdn't believe it, at least fivty-seven people were goin to die b/cuz of me! I began to sob to myself

WHEN SUDDNLYYYY A WINDOW SHATTERED and a bald man jumped into the middul of the charing crowds and began 2 beat them all up! He gave all of the Cullins middle fingurs and they stopped in deir trax. He sed "WHUTTT!" It wuz…. STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN!

"Who r u?" Imit sed. "get out of are beeswax b4" AND THEN HE GOT A STONE COLD STUNNER! "WHUT" AND THEN HE GAVE ONE 2 ROSALLY "WHUT" ABD ALICIIA "WHUT" abd den To the OTHER GUY 2! And then he sed "IF Y'ALL WANNA SEE STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN BEAT EDWURD CULLIN'S PANZY ASS, GIMMIE A HELL YEAH"

Obvi, we al sed "HELL YEAH" but by the time Stone Cold went 2 givw Eduward a Ston Cold Stunna he had run awai. Den Stone Cold sighed and shuk his hed and walked away. I don't know what he wuz doin in rural Washingtown but im sure galdd he wuz there. Then the bell wrang and we went 2 math klass.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Shvive

All thru maff klass, I cud feel Eduard's gays on the back of my neck. I wuz afraid 2 look back to see if it wuz true, though, so i wasn't sure if he wuz actally doing it or if he wuz just on my mind. Wat did he mean by a "beter solushion"? Why wuz the Cullins all so concerned about keeping there secrete? And y were stone cold and Guy Ferri in Phorks? It all had.2 add up, somehow, but I kudnt just figure it out.

So I decided 2 confort Eduard at the end of the day. The rest of tha day wuz real tough and long to get thru. "It sems lik somthin is on yr mind, Vikrum," Anglea sed 2 me at lunch in da kaf. "R u morning Anna Kendirk?"

"Who- o ya," I sed, forgetting she ded after Guy Fieri showed up yestaday. "That was sad stuff… um, do u guys no anything about the Cullins? Y do they think their vampiores?"

"ROFLMAO," Mike Newtown and Angola and Douglas sayd.

"I'm super cereal," I said! "Don't u think its weird that ther'es this whole family of sexay people who are all apparently inbred," I said outloud becuz cmon man, I men I waz an only child but I no in my hart that bros and sises aret supposed to be getting BIZAYYY like Immit and Rosally were at there lunch table "and they say theyre vampyres? Nobody thinks that's weird?"

"I mean, duh-doy, its ridonku-donk," Mike Newtown said. "But I mean, cmon, there obvs attention whores. Who wers those kinda clothing to skool? I'm sorry, but a hoodie and genes will do just fine, spanks. And they don talk to anybody. They've also been going to this skool for like 8 years, so their supa dumb."

"It just goze to sho that American culture is too preoccupied wif image," angola sed sagely. "How mani times do u haf to fail the 10th grade until they kick u out? But we al no that the teechers totally check dem out bcz there like 23 or whatevs so its acceptable. And their all millonairs!"

"Millionaires?" I exclaimed.

"Yaaa, there dad is a ventura capitalist and their ma invented those leggingz people try to sell on facebook," dougalz sed. "But the wurst thing of allllll is that theyre Mormons and u no how those people can be."

"Y did u half to bring religion into it, Dougals?" I asked incredulously. "There are lotsa normal Mormons! /just cause somebody married the same person az their sister doesn't mean there a bad person. U kant help where u came from."

"Ok, sorry," Dougals sed apolgetikaly. "But we can all agre selling those leggingz is bad, rite?"  
We al nodded.

"Its prob jus best 2 ignore the Cullins, ya no?" Mike Newtown sed quietly. "Cos there def gunna ignore u."

"K" I sed, but I new I had no Ks within me. I nedded 2 no why tha Cullens were so interstated in yrs truly. Afta lunch ended I cud not hold my curiosity bak anymore. I snucked out of the skool and sneakily hid underneaf Eduard's Audi. And dere I wated.

And waited.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter sex. – it all cums out

It wuz several ours b4 I herd the silent shuffling of the cullins bootyful feet approaching the kar. Wen I herd the d00rs open I flung myself out from under the kar and held my fingers up like they were a gun. "Yippykayak, m-ferz!" I yelled out.

2 my surprise, I had cot Eduard off gard, and he yelped. "OMG! Vikrum! What're u doin under my kar?"  
"I knead answers," I exclommed. "Wat did u mean by antoher solution?"

"I cant tell u hear, Vik," he sed quietly. "Y don't we walk like 6 miles into the middul of nowear so we can chat kandidlie?"

"L. .l." I mufflered. "I no ur relly a vampire, Eduard. Do u think I wud go into the wuds with a vampire thaty cud suck my blood and shit? Nah b, were gonna tawk somewhere where theres some otha peeps."

"Fair point well made, Mz. O'Haira," Eduard sed with some real respect in his voice. "How duz a dilapidated shipyard sound?"

"Cut it out" I sed, just like uncle joey from full house.

"Ok, ok," he sed, throwin his hanz up in the air (but NOT waving them lik he jus didn't cair, cos hes mad emo]. "McDnolads?"

"Dat wurks," I sed, and we went to the Mcdonalds in the centre of town. "Now what the fuck is going on eduward?"

He luked uncomfortabul around so many people. Afir a moment, he sed "Vikrum, do u want 2 go out?" I wuz supa confounded!

"WHUT" I SED, soudnig like Stone Cold had earlier. "Y wud I wanna go out wif you?"  
"Cuz I'm mad sexy, doy," Edward sed in a dude-your-such-a-person-wit-mental-disabilitys look on his face (that's the non-abulist way of sayin it).

"Yaaa I'll agre with that in the ABSTRAKT," I sed, "But buty is only skin deep. I don't care how smexy u are, yr still a vampire and why am I gonna trust sum1 like that? I'm not STOOPID."

"Oy vey," Edmard sed and shake his hed. "Usually dat one wurks lik a charm." He moved his face close to min. "I can tell dat every1 in this mcdnoals wants 2 fuk me, but u… nothin. I don undersyand. Yr a teenager, teenagers want 2 fuk everythin."

"That's y I have a vibratur, dumass," I sed. "I don't need vampire dick, no thanx."

He siyed. "That's smrt. It shoots acid and is ice cold. Ur relly makin a good desichon hear. But u shud date me nywy, four both are guds."

"Spell it out 4 me," I sed, taking a dramatic bite of my chikin nugget.  
"Well," he sed, "U no our secret- that were actually vampires, and I;m just not a kid who wurks at hot topik an is wayyy 2 in2 it lik the rest of Fourks thinx. An usually we mark any of those peeps 4 DEATHHHH."

I shuddered.

"Howeva. I'm tired of killin a bunch of teen gurls who have theyre hole lif ahead of dem. It's a real bumma, even if were protektin dem frum an even wurse faite." Den it wuz his tiem to shudda. "So I wuz thinkin… if u and me dated, or ratha, PRETNEDED to d8, den tha rest of my family wud have 2 protext u and it wuldnt b all suspicious."

"I don understand," I sed again ,like I had wif Carlizzle so many tiems last nite. "Wat wud u be protectin me from? Ur all vampires! Wat cud be moar dangerous then Vampires?"  
He loked around, 1st 2 the sky, den around he MacDonalds. "Frum de most dangerous entittty in the warld. The reasin we're hangin around this lame-azz town. A powerful supa army ova 5000 years old, olda than vampires or wearwolves, who will cum up in da next book. An armie so buff they cud inadvertismentally destroy the whole earf."

The room seemed 2 get colda. "What's there name?"

He loked around the rum 1 last time, and den whispered as quietly as he cud:

"Dere name iz Shen Yun."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapta 7. – moar cummin

"In the dark dayz of tha Xia dinerasty," Eduard began, the kar blasting along the wet-ass hiway, "Dere was a very powafull emoperer named Matt."

"Mat?" I sed inkreditously. "A Chinese guy namd matt?"  
"I no, it soundz unbeleavable," Edword sayed, wif a chukle. "But truf can be stranger than fikshion, u no? Nyywai, Matt wuz the most powerful person in da anshent world. He wuz ten feet tal and wore a shitton of pearcings, lik the villan in 300, only less gay. He wuz so powaful dat he cud cre8 earfqwakes by punchin the dang ground! He wuz so strong he cud keep himself from dying by eating otha people, which regenerated his blud."

"So he wuz a vampire?" I sed.

"Matt waz the 1ST vampiah," he sed omninously. "An he livd for hundrez of yeas, lordin ova Asia wif an iron fist and always bein rite about everfing bcuz since he was the strongest person, and the oldest person, who would be around 2 tell him he waz wrong? Howeva, after a while everybody else in Chyna got relly tired of having their friends and moms and girlfriendz getting eaten and so they rose up against Matt. Sumhow, despit his strength, they wuz able to subdoo him and finally kill Matt."

"Fang god," I sed quietly.  
"Fangz indeed (geddit)", Edard ased. Howeva, even though he did, Matt wuz schmat. B4 he did, he wuz abukl to take his vampire essence and put into those clay solders in china, did u get 2 that unit in AP world yet?"  
"Ya, I no wat ur talking aboot," I sed.

"Koolio," he sed. "All the people who killed Matt new he had built this armee, and dat he had taught sum of his bitches to 2 a magik dance 2 bring the solders 2 live when the tim was rite. The dance sumhow managed 2 survive, tho they tryed to kill all the bitchez. The eldaz new they had 2 cre8 an armee to stop Matt's armee from bringin him bak 2 life when the tiem came, so they tuk his jurnal and red his instructions on how to eet people, and they became vampirze. And my family is decended frum dem. Den dey burned the buk so nobody else cud figure it out, ansd dats why theres no ricordid historee of the XIA empyre."

"And dis revival dance," I sed, "dAts' what Shen Yum is? A dance troop?"

"Presisley," he sed. "The problem is, tho, dat they kant start the dance on nything but virgin land which r places where they haven't preformed it yet. Dat's wai there coming 2 Seattul for an American tour, and why weve bee nhear 4 8 yearz. Bcuz we no theyre goin to try to start the dance in washingtern, as they haven't tried hear yet. They tried in a lotta otha placez! But not hear yet. We intend for dis 2 b da final battul."

Wen I looked out the window again, I saw that we were al the way out at da Pacifik Oshin. In the distanze, I cud swer I saw a firy lite on the whorison.

"Deyl be hear in, like, a week," he sed grimely. "Afta dat, well ether be ded or move on to anotha place 2 live, cos fuck the Olimyik Penisula. Al I ask iz u pretend 2 go out wif me for 1 week. Afta dat? U can d8 Mike Newtown lik I no u want 2."

I gabbed. "Y do u think I want 2 date Mike Newtown?" I sed. "dare's been no evendence of dat whatsoever."

"I c the way u look at his jewfro," he said wif a lil smial. He wuzn't rong.

"Can u answer 3 moar kwestios?"

"Shut."

"Why did Guy Fieri kill anna Kendrick?" I aksed. "I kant fit him in everywear."

"Bcuz he relly hates bein compared 2 Bobbi Flay negatively, like he sed," he sed flatley. "But also, he wuz in the aria b/c he's a vampire hunmter. So iz Stone Cold Steve Austin- y else wud he becum a sckul vice principle when hes already a millionaire? Dey don't realis y weare here. The ythink we're hear 2 feest on juman fleisch. But dat not da kase. Were tryin 2 save yumans. I don' even lik the taste of Amerikans," he sed qith a "yuck" noise. "Yall eat 2 mani funyuns and othur produkts wif Trans Fatz."

I noodled. "And the wearwolfes?"

"yull find out in da squeakwel, we told u this," he sed, shakin his hed impatently.

"Okayy," I surrendered, after a long wile of thot. "I'll go ut wif you. But I'm not in2 u. And I don't wanna make out wif u and i DEF don't want 2 see ur ice pop dik."

"Kant blam u 4 dat," he sed. "bsides, it'll totally make Mike Newtown supa jealouse. So u win out even bsides being part of saving humanity 4eva and all dat."

I admit: it felt lik a win-win 4 yr pal Vikrum.


	8. Chapter 8

Chta 7ud

The nxt day at skool I stepped out of Eduard's Audi 2 a hole knew realiti. U wudnt think that holdin sum1s hand (even a hanf so sexay as edwurds hand) woul make everbody loose there minds but whattdya fukkin no, everybody wuz amazedballz! As we waked thru the parkin lot I relized dat I was acshuly mad skarred. Not jus bcuz all the students wud think I wuz TOTALLY UNPOSI 4 dating a emo pozer lik Edward, but also b/c I new Mike Newtown's feelins wud get mad hurt by seeing me MACKIN wif sum1 else. Dough I'd nawt wanted 2 admit it, I had ben crushin on Mike Newtown'z cayoot face n' electric-blue died jewfro sinze the furst tiem I'd met him in da hallway outsid Bilologie klass. Kan u blame me? I mean, we likd all the sam bandz and his myspace quote wuz "XXXXX I kut my hart OPEN, I SO myself shout XXXXXX" wich wuz a vary deep song so I new dat he wuz senzitiv and all dat shit even tho all hiz frends were majir prepz. I men, there's lik 25 kids in furks at al so who else r u gonna b frenz wif? THA CULLINS?

But den I relized: dat wuz xactly whut I was doin. I syed.

Anyway every1 wuz lookin at us as we trugged thru the parking lot (jus lik in da movie!) an every1 wuz lookin at us, not just Mike Newtown and Angellea but also the otha Collins and all the prepz frum de NORTH COMINZ and al the xxxhardcorexxx kidz frum SOUF COMMISH and sum of the teechers as well! It wuz s o surprizin I saw Cody Alcantara run int2 the bushes b/c he wuz so surprised he shittttt his pantS! ! (AN: FUK U CODI IF U THINK THAT UR SMARTER DAN MI JUS CAUZ UR THE CAPTAN OF QUIZ BOUL DEN UR DUMMER THAN U THINK I AM/11!_

"wooww wtf I thot we were gunna kill her ,not mak out wiof her, shesh lewish," Alicia sed. The otter guy lokked at us all werd (which was made rude coz cum on b happi 4 ur bro he hasn't gotten any in lik 100 years) but dat waznt too werd actually bc he looks every1 lik dat anyways.

So we went 2 da lunchroom 4 bRAKfast an even tho I was relly feling quite not hungry cuz I saw the bummed-our look on Mike Newotnw's face, wen who the fukk did u think wuz dere but….. GUY FIERO!

"OMG!" I exhulted. "Food network supastar Guy Ferriri? Wat r u doin here u murdered Anna Kendrick in cold bl00d like yestadaiii! Shudnt u b on da run?"

Howeva, Guy Feieri didn't wanna kill nybudi this tiem bcuz nobody had brot up Bobbi Fleigh. iNsted he wuz al "I no Im a shmurder! But dese cheese fryz r soooooooo gangsta" he sed. "I praktikally want 2 cum bc there so Rockstar!"

"EAT MI DIK BUDDY!" Edwahrd suddenly yelled and bit in2 guy ferero rocher's neck lik he wuz biting in2 the chez frizz.. dere wuz SO MUCH BLUD. It went allll ova tha wallz and the floorz and tha sealing as well!

"GOD DAM U VAMPIRS I HAD SO MANY DINNERS, DRIV-INS AND DIRVES TO VISYT! NAO WHO WIL SHOW AMERIKA WERE DA QUALITY CHIKIN FINGERZ ARE?" Den….. he EXPLODED and the hole caf wuz filed wif HAIR GEL!

"Edudard!" I blue up. "Wai did u kill American tresur Guy Ferri?"

'DID NOT I TEL U HE WUZ VAMPIRE HUNTA?" He yelled at me and I wuz relly turned awf. Eduwarf may be mad hawtttt but wen ur rawr u no dat men bein al aggro and tocksicully maskulin is wayyy nawt kool and dat he iz unawair of his unurned privlidge. (Dats wai I preferred Mike Newtown, who waz also pretty sexi in a more akwireed taste sort of wai). "HE WUZ GUNNA KIL MAI FAMILY!"

"But ur al vampires! I telled. "There's lik six of yu, yu cud have torn him apart wif out tryin if he tried anything, dats not kool."

A parent lee the rest of that Cullins agreed wif me, but four different reasins. "WTF EDVARD?" Rosally expositied. "Wai, like, wud u kill Guy Fieero? U no dat now da, like, Katholik Church is goin 2 send an even, like, moar powerfull vampire hunta 2 get us! U, like, blew are cover u HARE BRAINED IDIOT! U SUPA DUM ASS! NOW WERE ALL GUNNA HALF TO, LIKE, RUN AWAI AND LET SHEN YUN BRING MATT BACK TO LIF, STOOPID!"

I siyed. In da distanze, I cud c mike Newtown hangnin his hed sadly. He wuz hertboken dat I wuz wif Eduward, and dat I wuz also complisit in da murder of American institution Guy Ferrari. I yerned 2 tell him tha truf! But I coudnt endanger him. I likd him 2 much 2 do dat. Afta all, its lik da song sayz: 'I wud doo anything 4 luv, but I wont do dat."

OMG, wuz I in luv wif mike Newtown?


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 8.

Dat nite, I wuz sittin in my bedrum cause I was mad grounded 4 not tellin my dad dat Guy Ferrari wuz ded and dat I had ben dere. Bcuz I hadn't told him fast enuff, he wuznt able to find out who killed him, tho he suzpeckted that it wuz a big fan of Bobbi Fleigh. "If u think about it," he sed, afyer he yelled me for like A HOLE HOUR, "the most obvi peeps it cud b is Anna Kendrick's parentz, Howard & margot. Thart hole haus is CRAZY 4 bobbi flay. Also, he killed there child, too. But they were in Ilwaco for tha weekend…. Its an airtite alibi. But dere r no other suspkects!"

Trust mi: I wanted to tell him it wuz Eduward lik CRAY-Z. I thot eduward had ben a HUGE DOUCHE by killin Guy Ferreri. True, he had killed Anna Kenrick, but he delited millons of Americanz 2! At tha very leest, he deserved to have a large pubic trile wear people across America cud watch him confess and TV ratings wud skyrocket, lik wif dat hole OJ Simpsons thing. Jus drinkin his bloud was, quite frankly, really rood.

Danny (I use his 1st name only wen I'm pissed awf him) left me in my rum and locked it from the outside, leafing me to sit around and b bord. Inocently, I logged in2 my favorite search engine "ALTAVISTA" n searched "wai r vampires such diks". The furst paige that came up wuz a long tract written bi a dude named "Chief Running Eahgul." His websit sed he had ben fiting wif vampirs 4 his hole life, and dat he beleafed that vampires were so awbnockscious b/c "even tho there relly gud baseball playerz, vampirs are specifically exclooded from joining major leag bassball, sinze they wud mak the game 2 hard 4 humans." Furthurmoar, he sed dat "Vampirs are famus 4 bein lyres about bein vampires, among mani otha things, lik a secret ancent dance called "SHEN YUN" dat dey claim will end the world. I cud say moar here, but the government and the Katholic Church wud hunt me down, and also it wud make the book shorter."

OMG! Wuz edwaurd lieing 2 me? Had he mad up the hole Shen Yun conpiracee in rorder 2 get in my PANTZ? I decided 2 get answurs. I luked up the address of Chief Running Eahgul in the fone buk (since his websit sed he lifed in the Olimpik Penisula) and den went on MAPKWEST 4 direkshions. But how waz I goin 2 escape my haus wifout mai dad [or edword] findin out?

In despare, I called the only person I new wud pik up:

"Hello0o0o? Vikrum? Who dis?"

IT wuz nice 2 hear Mike Newtown's stabul, semsitive, swave voice on da fone. I smilled 4 da 1st tiem since I had hidden under Eduaurd Colin's Audi.

"Mike Newtown! Haldo!"

"omg, vikrum, wat r u doin callin me? Shudnt u b wif EDWEIRD? (AN: Burn!)

"Mike Newtown, I don't have much time- I ned to go 2 da reservation and tawk 2 the Indian chef but im gronded by my pops!"

"He syed. "Shudnt u be callin Edwerd to help u? Afta all, he's a VAMYPRE, he prawbs can jump into ur bedrum windoo and steel u awaii in da nite, y u callin sum pritt normie lik meeee"  
"Dats da fing! I ned 2 go 2 tha reservertion 2 tak ABOUT edwwerd. Im not sure if hes a vampire or not! He may half been lyin 2 me tha whole tiem!"  
Obvisily I had explaned wat I cud aboot wait I wuz dating edwerd. I didn't tel him aboot Shen yung or anything (2 keep him safe), so I jus told him he had a relly big dik and dat shut him up. I did wat I had 2 du. But I cudnt help but tell mai best frand aboot my douts about edwerd, and I new he wud take dis newz vary well.

Dere wuz a LOOOOONG paws.

"Lemme see wut I kan cook up," he sed, "Ill be ova dere in 20."


	10. Chapter 10

Chater 10

Sure enuf, in 20 mins I herd my dad bangin around downstares and the door slammed after him. I herd a rock on my window, like this wuz a movie frum tha 80z wit Jon Cusuck in it. I lokked out the window an Mike Newtown wuz there, smiling!

I opened mai windoo. "How did u do it?" I axed.

He shurged. "I through my brother down a well!"

"u waT?" I exclumed.

"Don't worri," he sed with a cute lil chuckah. "Hez actually a junior mountin climmer, so he can git outta dere wif no problem. And on toppa dat, therez a sekrit tunnel that bottim dat he can get out thru if he cant do it."

"Wowww," I sed. "Thanks 4 dat, Mike Newtown."

"Its no prahb, Vikrum!" He sed. "Nao jump down hear and lets go 2 the resavation."

I got in Mike Newtowns Maszda Miatta (I cudnt taik my supa scoota bcuz come on obvs it wud be me on it nobody else in dis town has a supa scoota) and we maid are way down the long, windin road 2 da reserversion. Da rode was relly narrow and made o' durt. There were TONS of tres and branchis getting in da wai of us, so we had 2 go relly slowwww.

"Dis street iz horribul!" I sed. "Hao do they xpect any1 2 get 2 da Indians on dis deftrap?"

"I no, " he sed sadly. "The lack o' fundin 4 nativ amerikan resefactions iz a damming inditemint of are corrupt government," he sed. "IT duznt help dat the maya is in the pocket of the Collins, of coarse."

"Wat do u mean?" I sed, confussed.

"Welp, de mayor is relly hansome, and hansome respect hansom, u no? And everybody in the Culin houshould is mad sexi, obvs. So he letz them get away wif wateva dey want. All he eva sez 2 Carlizzle wen he wants sumthin dun is "I love dat"."

I stoked my chin. It sure didn't semm lik tha Cullenz were actin like they didnt want to draw atenshin. In fakt, it semmed like they wanted 2 run dis town, but a part of me figured that of coarse theyd wanna have totul control of the town 4 wen Shen yumm came. It was all so komplikated! Wai'd they half 2 go and make it so komplikated?

"Ill b honest, Vikrum" Mike Newtown sed, his knuckles wite as he held on2 da steering wheel, "I h8 the kullins. The've been the most important people in the town 4 my hole life, and there so obnawxius about it! They flawnt their money and don't talk 2 any1, like there 2 good 4 us… nd they burned down my dadz childhood home bcuz they wanted to bild a 4EVA 21 on the site. Dats wai I becam posi in that 1st place! Bcuz wen I saw the 4EVA 21 bein bult ova my grandpas grave, I new I cud neva b a prep lik al my frensz, but I didn't want THA DARKNESS 2 ovawhelm me and make me a buzzkill. I wuz a man wifout an iland… until u showed up 4 dayz ago."

Den… I cudnt taik it anymo'! "Pull ova da kar," I sed, and he did, and den I jumped his bonz! We musta maid out for lik 6 hourz! I new it wuz rong, b/c I had a boyf, but I new in my hart dat I LUFFED Mike Newtown and his senzitiv attiude and his tragik story. He cud have been the wurlds biggest buzzkill, even emoer than Edwurd… and he chose 2 rize above , like BLAK FLAG sed in like 1982 or sumthin. He wuz an inspiratin. And…. He wuz underhandedly sexi on top of al of it!

Nite turned in2 dai. The moon went behind tha sun. And as I open'd my eyez to the promis of a nu dae, I loked over at Mike Newtown's NEKKID bodi and cute BOOT-AY. I trulee luffed tha man. As I loked at da bootiful trees and tha big blue skie, I relized that while I didn't no wear my head wuz at- wif everything dat Edwerd told me against wat I saw on Chief Runnig Eagul's blog- I new my hart beloged 2 tha man in the car, the man who had teken my virility, the 1 who through his bro down a well 4 me. I Luvvvved Mike Newtown an I didn't kare who new.

When al of a sudden, I felt a pear of eyes on my neck! I hadn't felt dis feelin sinze I had met Edard. In horur, I loked out da car and saw….. DAT OTHA GUY STARING AT ME FRUM THE TALLEST TREE IN THA WUDS!


End file.
